Euthanasia
by CherryFlavoredChalk
Summary: When Sora dies, all Riku wants is to do is remember. Along comes Roxas, who both is and isn't a carbon copy of Sora. Oh, sweet misery. AU. RikuRoku.
1. Chapter 1

Euthanasia 

**Disclaimer**: I don't own it, but that much is obvious. SquareEnix, you have my undying respect.

**Dedication**: Ammy, who pwns at many things that I'm not even capable of halfway accomplishing.

**Summary**: Riku wants nothing more than to remember Sora forever. So, it should be perfectly fine to use Roxas, who is (and isn't) a copy of Sora.

**Pairings**: RikuRoku

* * *

Chapter One: Some Kind of Masochism

_"I'm not the one who broke you. I'm not the one you should fear."_

_-_Goo Goo Dolls, "Here Is Gone"

"Hello?"

He runs his tongue anxiously over his chapped lips, and thinks over what's he doing, not for the first time.

_"Who's this? Hello? Hello?"_

He doesn't recognize the voice. It's not deep enough to belong to a full-fledged adult, yet not high-pitched enough to be the voice of a little boy. He fancies that maybe, the speaker is about Sora's age.

_"Who's this? Hello? Hello?"_

The speaker sounds irritated, as if he thinks his valuable time is being wasted. Don't get mad, Riku thinks from his end of the phone line. Don't get mad, okay? It's funny—he used to fly into rages when he was younger, and now, they were beyond him. Every movement, once so boisterous, was muffled into some twisted version of timidity. He could've been named 'introverted', if he wasn't who he was.

Riku Kisaragi was not introverted. The mere thought was perverse.

He takes a deep breath, and the force of it alarms him as it hits the mouthpiece and bounces back to him.

"Is Sora there? Can I talk to him?"

There's the crackle of static, and he wonder's if he's lost the connection for a moment. He ponders hanging up now, and risks the possibility of having an unknown person hate him. Before he can place it back in its cradle, the boy-man returns to the phone with an angry bark of, _"You sick fuck. You…you absolute bastard! Who is this? I swear to god, if you ever call this number again-"_

Riku lets the telephone fall from his grip, causing it clatter into its holder. He straightens up, feeling his friend's eyes grazing his back.

"I'm done," he informs the redhead behind him. He knows he shouldn't have used Axel's phone to make a (stupid, useless, purposeless) call when the lanky man's already having issues with the bills, but he couldn't help it. And he knew Axel was the only one who wouldn't question him about it, like Tidus would, or ask him if he wanted to talk about his feelings, like Demyx would. Axel would merely allow him to use the device and amble back into the room when Riku was finished; never thinking to interrogate his best friend about what he was up to.

Now, he stands in the doorway, cigarette latched between his fingers as he watches Riku. He isn't on the floor curled up in a ball, or staring blankly at him, like he'd been doing last year, so Axel guesses that Riku must be kinda-sorta- okay. Axel does care—enough not to interfere.

But he does part his thin lips to deliver a soft curl of smoke, accompanied by his comment of, "Riku, you're such a masochist."

Riku shrugs. "Not really. I don't like pain."

This is a lie, of course. It's so plainly obvious that Riku's some kind of masochist, maybe not the slash-your-wrists kind, but some variation of it, surely. Why else would he call up a dead friend, just to hear someone berate him? Why would he stare at photographs of the before mentioned friend, alone no less?

The bad pretense sits in the room with them with all the subtlety of an army tank.

Axel raises his eyebrows, and a sarcastic smile etches itself onto his lips. 'No?" he says, taunting. He doesn't know what to do with this Other Riku. It's like a year ago; someone switched his best friend with this miserable creature, dooming Axel to uncomfortable silences and blank reactions to everything. Axel half wants to reach over to Riku and introduce himself like they're strangers. "Then why? If you'd like to explain. I don't care if you don't."

"I want…"

Riku wants a lot of things. He wants to take the world in his ever-grabby hands and rearrange it so that hurting people wasn't possible or wayward hormones, or the inability to stop staring at someone who didn't belong to you. He wants to reach back into the past, and fold over the places where he messed everything up. He wants to yank Sora from the past and place him in the present by his side, smiling that happy smile. He wants to see himself and Sora in the future in a middle-class town, in a not-too-crappy apartment with 2.5 children and a dog named Sparky.

He chokes these wishes down like bile, and settles on the most important one. "I just…want to remember him. I need this. I don't ever want to forget."

He fears forgetfulness. He fears oblivion like small children fear the dark, and wants nothing to do with it. He can't ever let go of the memories, or he'll go insane, and he's grasping at straws as it is.

Axel lets out a perfect ring of smoke. "Don't we all?"

* * *

The two them lollop around campus, going nowhere near their scheduled classes for the day. Riku was going to, but Axel had visited him at the crack of dawn (also known as 7:35 a.m.), announcing "Darling, I've brought brekkie!" and insisted that the combination of skipping class and indulging in various homemade muffins was healthier than studying and listening to Professor Xenmas drone on about anatomy.

They lean against the building, dropping crumbs everywhere as they watch the students shuffling by, all wearing the same glazed-over, I-hate-Mondays-with-a-passion expression. They had seen Tidus a total of five times, always in the process of attaching his face to his girlfriend, a brunette named Selphie. They'd also seen Demyx, who waved energetically at them before racing off to find his lab partner, a stoic kid named Zex, or Ion, or something appropriately weird like that.

"Hey, Ri," Axel remarks, "Are you ever going to tell Sora's family about the thing? You know. You and Sora. Your being together, I mean."

Riku blinks, completely caught off guard. "Why should I?"  
"Why shouldn't you?"

"It'd be awkward. It doesn't matter anymore, anyways."

_'Cause he's, y'know, DEAD._

"It's…inappropriate?" It sounds like Riku's pleading with his friend, which is stupid. Axel's never solved problems, never known all the answers. Axel created the questions, not the solutions. But this time he's got one.

"I bet Roxas would wanna know. Sora's cousin. You should at least tell him, if not Sora's parents."

"Who?"

"Roxas, man. Over there."

"I don't see him."

"You need glasses. Fine, I'll bring him over here."

Before Riku can stop him, Axel's making a spectacle of himself; shoving his arms through the air like a windmill, attracting the attention of everyone and their pet turtle.

"HEEEEEY, ROXY! GET OVER HERE!"

Oddly enough, Roxas slinks over to them. If it had been Riku in his place, he would've run in the opposite direction.

"What do you want, Axel? If you've been lighting crap on fire again, I'm not covering for you."

"What makes you think I'm still into pyromania?"

"Because it's you."

"Fair enough," the flame-haired man says agreeably. He extends a hand to acknowledge Riku's presence. "I wanted you to meet someone. Roxas Abe, meet Riku Kisaragi. Riku, this is Roxas."

The two shook hands. Riku privately thought how cool and unaffected Roxas's handshake was. Not at all like Sora's grip, which threatened to squeeze off your fingers and make you whole arm go numb.

"I'll leave you two to get acquainted." Axel calls, loping off to go annoy someone else, or mooch off an unsuspecting teacher who took pity on college students.

Roxas shifts his weight (not that there's much of it, the boy's practically a skeleton) from one foot to the other, giving the awkwardness between them a more tangible form. "Did you need something?" It's in that same tone; the voice caught between adult and child. He's the boy Riku talked to on the phone.

He feels it'd be wise not to bring that up just yet.

"I, uh, knew your cousin. We used to-"

_wake up at noon and just lay around in the bed talking about random junk that never matters, kiss until I needed an icepack for my swollen lips, stare at stars that were probably just helicopters._

"-hang out a lot. Um. I just thought I'd let you know-"

_That I'm sorry. I loved your cousin._

"-I used to fuck Sora."

Roxas's mouth all but hits the ground, and his fist slashes forward, effectively causing Riku to see stars that are most definitely not helicopters.

The last thing he sees is Roxas's eyes.

They're exactly like Sora's.

* * *

**A/N**: Mmm. My first series on . I'm fairly certain that I don't know what the hell I'm doing, and that I screwed it up somehow. I will get around to describing Sora's death and how it happened in an interlude, most likely in the next installment. Please, please send me a review on this series. I've been working on it for a while, and isn't humoring the n00b the friendly thing to do?


	2. Chapter 2

**Disclaimer**: I don't own it, but that much is obvious. SquareEnix, you have my undying respect.

**Summary**: Riku wants nothing more than to remember Sora forever. So, it should be perfectly fine to use Roxas, who is (and isn't) a copy of Sora.

**Pairings**: RikuRoku main

**Special Dedication:** Sakueishi Am-Jam, my sugar-pie-honey-bunch. That's from a terminally old song called "Sugar" or something of the sort.

* * *

Chapter Two: Forest Fires

_Well, I thought I heard you say 'I like you'_

_We can get out_

_We don't have to stay, stay inside this place._

-My Chemical Romance, "This is the Best Day Ever"

When Riku opens his eyes, the first thing he sees is Roxas.

Sora's cousin is sitting there, elbows propped up on his knees, pale hands (paler than Sora's which were ever so slightly tanned) holding the sides of his angel-face. His eyes seem to be staring straight through Riku, and the silver-haired college student is unnerved by it. He looks so pissed off, but the reason for which, he can't fathom.

_"I used to fuck Sora."_

Oh. Yeah.

Riku looks at Roxas's eyes-so much like huge pools of water-and tries to drown himself in them.

"Start talking." Roxas suggests. It has an undercurrent of _Or I'll slit your throat_ to it, and Riku swallows. The blonde gives him a devil's smile that seems lopsided on his angel's face. It looks wrong and perverse, and Riku wants to cover his eyes and childishly say, "Make it go away!"

"I…met Sora at a café in the beginning of the year." Riku says nervously, running his tongue over his lips. A mantra is running on repeat on his head. _Don't screw this up, don't screw this up, don't_…"I thought he was annoying. Too much energy, too innocent to possibly be a college student."

Take a breath. Exhale. It hurts, yes, it hurts. But continue anyways. You owe this to him, at the very least. "He brought me a blueberry muffin, I told him to get lost, and…it just snow-balled. And before I knew it-"

_"Hey, hey, Riku!" a voice squeals, looking over the side of the library's cubicle. He's dangling a Saran Rap-wrapped muffin in front of him, casting a shadow over Riku's textbook._

_"I'm busy, Sora." He says tightly. God, this kid was just always there, wasn't he?_

_"Riku." Sora put his face very, very close to his own. "There is always time for muffins."_

"-I-I just liked him, you know? And we just went with, worked things around our relationship. But stuff slowed down, cooled off. I had practice with my band, and Sora had-"

Wait. What did Sora have-had? Riku realizes with a shock that he didn't know what kind of job Sora had worked at, or even what kind of shift he'd worked. You horrible boyfriend, he chastises.

"-stuff to do."

Lame. Lame, lame, lame. He squeezes his eyes shut, wishes to be struck by a bolt of lightning or for the floor to swallow him up, or something. _Just make it end now_, he silently breathes, _and we can call it euthanasia._

"My fault." Riku breathes. "It was my fault, Roxas. Sora shouldn't have died. I killed him, did you know that? I killed him. I did."

_"I'd jump in front of a car to save you."_

_He says it so casually; you would've thought he was merely remarking on the weather. But Riku stiffens beside him, his eyes widening just ever so slightly._

_"What?"_

_Sora rolls over, toying with the over-grown bangs. It was getting to the point where he had to pocket some of Selphie's barrettes in order to sweep them out of the way so he could see properly. Axel only let him grow it out because he said the ladies liked it. Sora was the one who wanted him to grow it long; he had an affinity for styling hair. Which was rather gay, if Riku had anything to say about it._

_"If I had to, I'd jump in front of a car to save you."_

_And he says it so matter-of-factly; Riku feels the urge to cry._

"I didn't mean to, but..."

_"Sora! Listen to me!"_

_"No!" he howls. Riku can hardly understand him, the tears are causing the words to mesh together and disfigure each other. He had snot running down his chin, tears are turning those gorgeous blue-like-the-skies bloodshot, and Riku was damned if he'd ever thought that Sora had never looked so beautiful.  
"Sora, just-"_

_"I don't wanna hear it!"_

"You know what happened. You went to the funeral."

Obviously, he hadn't. He had stayed in Axel's apartment, curled up in his best friend's bed with the huge, clunky stereo headphones clamped down over his ears. He had stayed in bed during his boyfriend's funeral. Tried to ignore it, make it go away.

"You saw him die."

It kept replaying over and over again in Riku's mind. Sora yelling, Sora pulling away from him, Sora screaming over and over like a holy mantra (if holy mantras could pierce the heart) "I HATE YOU I HATE YOU I HATE YOU". Sora running out into busy traffic, the car slamming into that precious boy-

"Sometimes, I wonder…what if-"

What if Riku hadn't been so stupid?

What if he hadn't placed Sora second to the band?

What if Sora hadn't jumped to conclusions?

What if Roxas had arrived just a little bit sooner to pick Sora up and whisked him away to the campus?

What if Riku Kisaragi hadn't screwed everything up?

"Look, Riku." Roxas cuts in. His face is crumpling down into itself, and his body language is stiff, but all Riku concentrates on is that hand-reaching out to him. "I don't…think you killed Sora. I don't think it's your fault. I don't think you could've been capable."

Those plump, soft lips part and deliver the words he most wants to hear:

**"It's not your fault."**

True enough, Roxas sort of mutters it at the floor instead of at his cousin's boyfriend, and his face is contorting itself like he doesn't really want to forgive Riku, doesn't really want to make peace. But Riku recognizes an apology, even if it's poorly made. He's a crappy apologizer himself.

"Thank you." He says politely, taking the hand that Roxas is shoving at him. He just sort of shakes it limply (It feels awkward as anything. Sora never shook his hand. That was for hard-eyed, muscle-bound, manly men. Not for cutesy, doe-eyed brunettes with over-sized shoes.), before dropping their hands on the coffee table. His pale hand rests on top of the blonde's own tanned one, and for a moment, Riku pretends that this is Sora, this is normal, and they are in love.

But it's just pretend, isn't it? It's just a bit of play-acting, just a bit of tomfoolery for poor, lonely Riku. He's just trying to make himself feel better by holding hands with Sora's cousin Roxas.

Riku tells himself this, but he immediately forgets it when he looks directly at Roxas's large, oceanic eyes.

Urge overtakes etiquette, and Riku nearly lunges across the table and places a hand on the back of Roxas-who-is-not-Sora-but-he'll-do-just-as-well's neck, drawing him closer. Lips collide like a rock slide, and he closes his eyes and oh, Roxas is squirming, before just relaxing like 'I'm in deep stuff already, might as well follow through'. Riku can feel their mouths moving together, but he also feels like he's watching someone else kiss. He wants to look away, pull away, and he tries (he tries, oh god, does he try) but there's still Roxas in front of him, with every bit of that star-shining beauty that Sora had.

_You are disgusting_, his mind fires at him, as he stands up, wrapping his arms around Roxas. _You are such scum_. _You're nothing but a filthy little whore, Riku._

"But I'm not." Riku mumbles, as Roxas peppers his face with kisses, struggles to close that half and inch of space between them. "I'm not."

_You think it's okay to use him? You're so conceited. God, it makes me sick._

"I'm not," Riku mutters, as he presses Roxas against the wall, and allows his hands to roam. There's still that baby-soft skin, the same delectable sun-kissed color as Sora's. His hands get greedy; they strive to encapture this perfected facsimile of Sora. "I'm not using him."

_Nothing but trash, Riku. Why are you burrying everyone else in your garbage? Yourself...Axel...Sora...Roxas...it's just never enough, is it?_

The silver-haired guitarist desparately ignores his mind, focuses instead of Roxas, Roxas's big blue eyes, those lips, that skin...The mattress creaks ever so slightly as he slides the younger boy onto it, and then Riku shuts his eyes tightly, and violently wishs that he'll have an early-on attack of Alzheimer's, or short-term memory loss or something, so that he'll wake up with knowing nothing but the tickly feel on Roxas's mouth his own.

* * *

But wishs don't always come true.

Even if Riku takes care to watch for the shooting stars and times his wish at just the right moment, there's a 99.9 chance that the wish will be lost among the endless night sky.

Roxas knows this too, and instead turns away when Riku murmurs, "Look, Rox. A shooting star."

"I don't believe in those."

And Riku finds himself wishing that he could be with someone who still believed in that measly 0.01 percentile.

But that person is currently being suffocated by piles of dirt, eyes shut tightly to the wonders that are shooting stars. He can't see the stars anymore.

"I wish..."

But wishs don't always, **_don't ever_**, come true.

* * *

"Do you love me?" Roxas breathes as he sits up, looking the silver-haired boy in the eye. "Or do you love that I'm like Sora?"

Oh, lord. Riku's got a hankering for death and ever-lasting guilt; because he gives Roxas that cheap, flimsy smile that he flings away to the band's fans like free samples, and says, "Both?"

But he's still got his rapid-fire comebacks, even if he hasn't got his own apartment, or a (live) boyfriend. "Do you love me? Or do you love that you can have a piece of something that belonged to Sora to remember him by?"

The silence stretches like taffy, and Roxas sighs. "Co-dependent relationships end like forest fires."

Riku doesn't look away. "I don't care if I get burned."

* * *

**A/N: **Goodness, I'm tired. But I feel accomplished, even though I'm very, very stupid and I couldn't figure out how to add a new chapter. Stupid, stupid, so very stupid, eh? D: And I like this section loads, for some reason. Yeah. This got moving, didn't they? Now for a bit of prose, in the vein of Eric Carle.

_Writer, writer, what do you see?_

_I see a REVIEW BUTTON looking at me!_

Look at it, so purple and nice. It looks lonely. Why don't you review, eh? Big hearts and huggles-wuggles-muffins to those who reviewed the last chapter of this series.


	3. Chapter 3

**Disclaimer:** I don't own it, but that much is obvious. SquareEnix, you have my undying respect. And the song Riku sings is called "Sympathy" by The Goo Goo Dolls. Awesomeness, they are.

**Dedication:** Ammy, who pwns at many things that I'm not even capable of halfway accomplishing. (OHEMGEE, LOOK, IT'S BAAAACK!)

**Summary:** Riku wants nothing more than to remember Sora forever. So, it should be perfectly fine to use Roxas, who is (and isn't) a copy of Sora.

**Pairings:** RikuRoxas, TidusSelphie.

* * *

Chapter Three: Sinner

_Well, he was just hanging around_

_Then he fell in love, and he didn't know how_

_But he couldn't get out_

_Just hanging around, and he fell in love_

-Panic! At the Disco, "When the Day Met the Night"

The change was startling to the point where it caused one to blink and exclaim, "Sorry, come again?" Axel, Demyx, and Tidus had become accustomed to seeing Riku dragging himself throughout classes and rehearsals, the same, blank expression pasted on his face. Tidus had tried getting him back into athletic activities, Demyx had tried his weird, off-center jokes, and Axel had used his own, crappy-best friend-type logic, and none of it had worked.

"And then," Tidus says irritably, slapping a drumstick on his thigh, "that little shrimp comes in, and Riku's all smiles. Am I the only one who doesn't understand this?"

Selphie rolls her eyes, tugging on her boyfriend's long hair. "Honey, you don't even understand basic math. How do you expect to understand true love?"

"It's true," admits Demyx, rummaging in his satchel for his bass's pick. "I mean, it's kind of…strange, yanno? But I'm okay if Ri's okay with it. He looks happy. Not like a depressed emo zombie."

Axel lets out a curling puff of smoke and tapsthe ash out onto Tidus's sneakers. The blonde makes a face and moves his sneakers away, muttering something like "You big nasty, go smoke somewhere else."

"It's better than nothing." The band's vocalist says breezily. "His negative energy was screwing with our playing."

There's a small silence, only interrupted by Selphie's murmur of "Gosh, Axel, you're a one-of-a-kind bastard, aren't you?"

And the redhead just sits back and grins, curling out pollution from between white teeth. It's his nature to seem contrary, but he couldn't be happier. It's a chance for a happy ending, and doesn't everyone love those?

* * *

_"I wish for things that I don't need, and what I chase won't set me free…And I get scared, but I'm not crawling on my knees..."_

Just like old times; Riku sorting out the melody while Axel sat across from him, legs looped over the amplifiers as he cocks his head to the side, listening intently. Then, slowly, he nods.

"Love songs?" Axel asks his friend, watching him closely. After Sora's death, Riku had (calmly, icily, flatly) told him that he refused to sing or write love songs anymore. _"It's such a waste of time."_ The then-Riku had said. _"It's stupid, and dammit, I just don't care anymore. Love doesn't exist."_ Axel and the rest had let it go, instead resuming the happy-time pop songs that everyone liked to dance to, or the pointless nonsense songs that made you giggle. Perhaps that was why the popularity rate had gone down a bit…the jump-and-shout songs didn't have the right impact with three sunshiney-faced boy and their pretty-boy guitarist, who looked as if he wanted to drown himself in the crowd surfers.

Now, Riku's smiling broadly as he jots down notes on a spare receipt, adding small reminders for Axel's intonation to direct itself upwards.

"Lunch time!" Tidus yowls, springing up and sticking his drumsticks in his back pockets. "It's effin' **lunch** time, okay? I'm hungry!"

_"Tidy-Whitey,"_ sings Demyx, plucking at his bass. "_You giant, bottomless pit—_OW, JESUS!"

The blonde bassist rubs at his tender scalp, his face wrought into a scowl as he shakes his fist threateningly at Tidus. The drummer is laughing at the result of sweet revenge; Selphie's smirking into her hand, and Riku (thank you, God) is giggling like a prepubescent girl whacked out on pixie sticks, and damn if Axel doesn't feel like he might cry.

Thankfully, he doesn't, as they all stop to hear the sound of the door being kicked open, followed by an irritated voice calling, _"Riku? Are you down there?"_

The short blonde makes his way carefully down the stairs, staggering ever so slightly under the weight of the packages. The aroma of chicken teriyaki slaps the band full in the face, and Roxas is all but tackled down to the ground in the pursuit of MSG-coated poultry.

"You're an angel, man." Tidus breathes, shoveling rice into his mouth. Selphie tut-tuts, swiping at his face with a spare napkin. "I mean, seriously. I thought I was gonna have to eat Axel if he made us continuing practice. And Demyx was fuckin' **useless**—no snacks or anything—and Riku, I mean, I know you guys are going out and all, but he's perennially broke!"

Roxas smiles, settling his perch on Riku's lap. "It's the result of a disease, so I supposed it can't be helped."

Demyx raises an eyebrow in bemusement. "What illness would that be?"

"Spending-too-much-money-on-hair-products-itis."

The group bursts into laughter, and Axel watches them intently. There's Tidus, with his loud laugh, Demyx and Selphie, with their giggles that almost hit the same pitch in a way that's simply frightening. There's Roxas and his awkward, distinctive laugh that causes everyone else to continue, simply because it sounds amusing.

And then there's Riku.

His low, bass chuckle is vibrating into the skin of the blonde's neck as he wraps his arms around his waist, holding him firm. They mold together perfectly; Roxas's small, compact form sliding easily with the contours of Riku's muscles. There's little to no space between them, and it looks as if there isn't, there can't be, it just isn't **fathomable.**

It's as if Sora was never there in the first place.

"Hey, Ri," interjects Demyx through a mouthful of vegetables. "Um, the sixteenth is coming up soon. And it's, um, August already. Whoo boy, time goes fast, doesn't it?"

"The point, Dem. Get to it." Tidus says, gesturing with his chopsticks. "Some time before we turn fifty would be nice."

Demyx blushes, strums a decidedly sour note, and clasps it to his chest. "Well, um, okay, um, you see, I was just wondering—I mean, it's not like you _have_ to; it was just a thought—"

"Spit it out." commanded Axel, waving his hand impatiently at the bassist.

The blonde's face contorted, squished itself out, and contorted again, complete with an anxious blush. "Are you going to visit Sora's grave or what?"

Quietly, calmly, icily, Riku stood up and walked out of the room. His own face unreadable, Roxas jogged after him, tossing his trash towards the rubbish bin as he went.

Selphie stares. "Did you eat a large bowl of stupid for breakfast today? God, Demyx, don't ask something like that!"

"I was just wondering!" squeals the blonde, lifting his arms up in a futile attempt to keep Selphie's annoyed blows from making an impact.

"Why the hell are you trying to ruin their happiness?"

"I'm not, I just-"

"It was kinda stupid." Tidus admits. "And by 'kinda', I mean 'extremely so'."

"It was just, I mean-**_SHIT_**, guys, don't pretend you didn't see it too!" Demyx explodes, leaping up. He stands up so suddenly that Selphie almost falls over, and his face is so agitated and so un-Demyx like that it's scary. "I'm glad that Riku's found someone, okay? **_I'm glad._** And I'm not saying that he should go remembering Sora the whole time, but I'm just saying that—he should come to terms with the death and be able to have a healthy relationship at the same time! He can't just forget about Sora—I wasn't dating him and crap, I sure as heck can't forget the kid! "

"It's problematic, yanno?" Axel mutters, puffing silently on his cigarette. He makes a face and stubs it out, crushing it beneath his sneaker. "It's a sick kind of love triangle. Riku, Sora, and Roxas."

Selphie sniffs. "Well, I thought they looked fine together."

"You," Axel informs her with a smile, "don't know shit. You don't know anything about Riku, or Roxas for that matter. So I think it'd be better if you just didn't say anything, mm-kay?"

Selphie lets out a little gasp that's half hurt, half shame, and perhaps just a l_ittle_ bit sheepish before flouncing out the door, Tidus in tow. And then it's just Demyx and Axel, blowing streams of smoke up at the air vent and shuffling sneakers together.

"I don't want him to forget either." Axel says suddenly, blinking hard. "I don't. Roxas is awesome, and Riku needs him, but he can't just forget the kid. It's like running away, yanno? He just needs to cope with it, and…"

"And?" says Demyx curiously.

"And…" the redhead says slowly, "he needs to stop treating Roxas like some damned teddy bear. Like a human wall. It's stupid, it's horrible, and it's just wrong and it's just so-"

Demyx blinks, fiddles with his bass, and awkwardly pats Axel's knee. "You okay, man?"

Axel shrugs away, stabs out his cigarette, and pops in another one. He stands, tugging the wrinkles out of his shirt. "Nothing. Sorry."

_Pathetic. It's just so pathetic._

"Lock the door when you leave, Dem. 'Kay?"

_Face your fears, Riku. Look your dead-Sora-bad-dreams-guilt-I-don't-know-what in the face. Don't be a coward._

" 'Kay. You're sure you're…well, aren't you? Or maybe not?"

The good thing about Demyx is that at times, he's so freaking awkward that you can just sort of ignore him as he trips all over himself. By that time, he's embarrassed enough and will treat you to a silent thank you if you just leave it at that.

"I'm okay. I'm going to go find Selphie and Tidus. Maybe apologize. Probably won't."

--

--

--

That night, Axel dials the number for Riku's mobile, the number for Roxas's apartment, Roxas's cell phone, and gets voicemail.

**Sixty**. **Five**. **Times**.

_"This is Roxas. Leave a message, and I'll call you back. Maybe."_

_"HEY, WHAT'S UP? Ha, bet you thought I picked up the phone! I'm either sleeping or playing with my guitar, so leave a message with your name and number, and I'll get back to you ASAP."_

_"Hello, you've reached Roxas and Riku's apartments, and—Riku, stop that! You're making me lose my focus!—and we're currently unable to answer the phone. Please leave your name and—crud, Riku, get your tongue out of my ear. You think I won't cut you off? Yeah? Try me, you creep. What? Oh, now it's on. **(crashing noise)** Sorry, leave your name and number and we'll get back to you soon enough."_

Axel sighs, lets the phone crash onto the hardwood floor.

_"Are you going to visit Sora's grave or what?"_

The dead look in Riku's eyes. Flat, aqua eyes. Pale face. The same expression he'd woken up with and gone to sleep with every day after Sora's death. The look that was so purely closed off.

Like he was dead already.

…Until he met Roxas, that is.

"…This sucks." he breathes into his umpteenth cancer stick, tapping out ash on the floor. He can almost hear Sora reciting facts about ways to get lung cancer.

_I'm counting on you, Roxas. Don't let him run away._

* * *

"Are you sad?"

Small hands rubbing in a soothing pattern on his back as he stares at the ceiling. Riku doesn't blink, Riku doesn't move, Riku doesn't do anything. He just remains, still and immobile, on the futon, eyes directed up at the cracks in the ceiling.

"Don't be like this, Ri."

Be like what? Riku wants to ask. Be like WHAT, Roxas? If he could, he'd turn himself into anything the boy wanted, anything at all. _"You wanna dog balloon, kid? A lion? A, a, a freakin' platypus?"_ Anything, everything, something, nothing. If he'd just ask, Riku could be anything, anything at all.

Lips ghosting across his cheek, and for once, Roxas isn't muttering as to why the futon had to be dragged out in the middle of the living room, or trying to get Riku to stuff it into its proper place (in the closet, along with the other summer futons and the beach towels). The blonde lay still, except for the light massaging of Riku's shoulder blades, and the whispering of his spring-sweet voice tickling the silver-haired boy's neck.

"Sorry."

Riku rolls over, nearly flattening Roxas in the process, but somehow managing to ease himself up on his elbows. He buries his face into the curve of the lemon-haired boy's neck, fully collapsing on top of him.

_"Look, Riku! It's a card house!"_

_"And it's going to fall down any second."_

_"Gee whiz, Ri-ku, pessimist much? It's a-okay."_

_"…You said 'gee whiz', didn't you?"_

_"Shut up. Ah, look, it fell down. Crap."_

_"Told you so. Hate to say 'I told you so', Sora, but...I told you so."_

_"Well, it could've stayed up. Like, if I'd just put it like so…"_

If you put it like that, does it stay up? Does it stay like it should, like it actually has a chance?

Or does it just close in on itself, like you knew it would?

"My head hurts." he moans into Roxas's skin. "But I don't want any pills…"

He's starting to feel an awful lot like Humpty-Dumpty. _"All the king's horses and all the king's men…"_ The weird, half-scared, half-relieved feeling that you get when you're about to fall over. Scared because it's going to hurt and you can't stop it, and relieved because it'll (possibly, hopefully) just be all over in a second. You can fall down and get shattered and cry, but at least you have the feeling of, _"Well, it's over now, at least. At least I've got that."_ That, and the aching feeling in your body signaling that you, **_you_**, are alive. You will hurt, you will bleed, you will ache.

You will rise, you will heal. You will survive. You will get through this.

**_"I ask for things that I don't need…"_**

_What do I want? What do I need? Is it Roxas, or is it Sora? Is the band, is to actually show up for class for once, is it strangersdangersanything?_

_I need Sora. But I can't._

_I want Roxas. But I shouldn't._

**_"And what I chase won't set me free…"_**

_Roxas. Roxas smiling, Roxas frowning, Roxas shaking his head at Riku's attempts to serenade him, make him giggle when he wanted to be angry. RoxasRoxasRoxas. Darling, sweetheart, **life preserver**, Roxas._

_Sora. Sora…singing? Did he sing? Could he? Yes. No. Wait. I don't remember. I don't…Sora…Sora…What did he do? What did his voice sound like?_

"Riku, are you crying?"

_I can't believe I forgot._

"What's wrong?"

_'You deserve this,'_ his mind jeers at him. _'Greed is a sin, is it not? Gluttony, Lying. Lust. You got drunk on Roxas, and so you forgot Sora, hmm? You'd rather have Sora's dead body than Roxas's live one. You're one twisted person, Riku. Twisted, twisted, twisted…'_

"I'm not, I'm just--I'm fine." Riku amends, letting trickles of tears sink into the futon beneath Roxas's shoulders. "It's fine. Nothing's wrong. I'm just kinda tired."

The younger boy sighs, and he wouldn't accept such an obvious lie if he didn't know that he wouldn't get anything else. "Alright."

_'Disgusting'_, giggles his subconscious. _'Slovenly. You'll just take anyone, won't you? Greedy little bugger. So like a child, Riku. You'll just drown anyone who looks at you halfway-decently. Drown them and expect them to be okay with it.'_

Riku presses his face flat against the cottony material of the futon, his chest against Roxas's, and his eyes blinking rapidly. "Yeah. Everything's okay."

Roxas tugs him closer, and Riku almost bawls right there and then—and maybe he would've, if his teeth weren't about to gnaw through his bottom lip. And maybe if he wasn't so intent on lying to his…boyfriend? _Replacement? Sora-copy?_ Oh, god. Don't think that._ Whatever. Roxas-thing. That'll do._

It's at times like these that Riku wishes that he was better at lying to himself.

* * *

**Author's Note: **/staggered breathing/ Lordy. I had to re-write this chapter, 'cause the original one? Yeah, it sucked. And I'm re-writing the last two chapters as well...you guys get the re-vamped ones. Aren't you all just so lucky. (I'm so not going to make it out alive with this series...) Anyways, I have a small treat for all of you. As I usually write to music, I was thinking, "Hey! It'd be cool if there was a soundtrack for this!" And so my pain of creating a soundtrack of (niiiiiice) music for Euthanasia. I have soundtracks for my other series as well, and I'm trying reaaallly hard to pick songs that both fit and aren't extremely obscure. I bet you've all heard these songs on the radio, anyways. Here it is:

**_Euthanasia, The Playlist:_**

**(Start) Theme: Dark Blue (Jack's Mannequin)**

**(End) Theme: False Pretense (Red Jumpsuit Apparatus)**

**Riku: Skeptics and True Believers (The Academy Is...)**

**Roxas: Trouble Sleeping (Corinne Bailey Rae)**

**Axel: Boys and Girls (Kill Hannah)/ Oxford Comma (Vampire Weekend)**

**Demyx: Spinnin' Around (Jump 5)**

**Riku/Sora: Pas De Cheval (Panic! At the Disco)/ Kelsey (Metro Station)**

**Riku/Roxas: When the Day Met the Night (Panic! At the Disco)/ Sympathy (The Goo Goo Dolls)/ Time After Time (Cyndi Lauper)**

**Tidus/Selphie: Every Morning (Sugar Ray)/ Summer Girls (LFO)**

Tell me it's lovely, tell me it's horrible, tell me it made you want to scream curses in Ethiopian and shake your fist at the sky and say, "WHY, GOD, WHY? WHY IS THERE SUCH A THING AS TOTALLY CRAP FANFICTION?" Some sort of reaction. 'Cause that review button's just ever so attractive looking, isn' it? Sexy little button right there, mm-hmm...Alright, I'm stopping. S'later, kiddies.


	4. Chapter 4

**Disclaimer:** I don't own it, but that much is obvious. SquareEnix, you have my undying respect. Nor do I own the Velvet Underground's copy of "I'm Sticking With You", Kill Hannah or PlayRadioPlay!'s "Compliment Each Other Like Colors".

**Dedication:** Ammy, who pwns at many things that I'm not even capable of halfway accomplishing.

**Summary:** Riku wants nothing more than to remember Sora forever. So, it should be perfectly fine to use Roxas, who is (and isn't) a copy of Sora.

**Pairings:** RikuRoku, TidusSelphie

**Author's Note:** WOW IT ONLY TOOK ME LIKE FOREVER AND A YEAR TO FREAKING UPDATE THIS STORY. The end is near. Closer than you think, actually. Chapter 5 is the last installment of 'Euthanasia'. OH, AND TODAY'S MY BIRTHDAY, SO BE NICE AND REVIEW, THANKS EVER SO MUCH.

* * *

**IV**. Hurt Me

_If we try hard enough, I'm sure we can forget it._

_--_

If he had to describe it in a single word, he'd call it a "pause".

A pause in motion (smiles, embraces), a pause in thought (insanity, mild incoherency), a pause in lust (love). One moment there were jerking limbs and teeth stretched in crooked smiles and lips pursed to coo songs and sweet-nothings, and then, just as quickly…

(with a turn of the head and bright eyes blinking in bemusement)

There was nothing at all.

--

Please observe the following incriminating subjects:

1 (one) tape recorder, property of Sora Abe. Nearby are rather horrible (according to all company, with the exception of the now deceased) indie tapes that remark upon 'love' and 'rainy days' and 'all the tiiiimmme I think about yooouuu', complete with creaking guitar strings and cracking voices.

2 (two) CDs, courtesy of Roxas Abe. One is a copy of Riku's band. The other belongs to a drippy, whiny sort of band with the cheerful title of "Kill Hannah". The former is stuck into the boom box in the corner, playing a familiar song (you've probably heard it; that song that you hear once and it plays on repeat in your mind for the rest of the year) over and over.

1 (one) shoebox, filled to the brim with crumpled letters written with the sort of ballpoint pen that smears, but you use it anyway. The letters all say the same thing, more or less.

_Dear Riku,_

_I've told you I love you, right?_

_Love, Sora_

That one's folded and stained with an unidentifiable smear. Probably fruit or something like it...whatever it is, it still smells violently of citrus and cheap cologne.

_Dear Sora,_

_I think I've heard that somewhere before. Feel free to say it again if you feel the urge to._

_Love, Riku_

This one's folded halfway, creased all over. On the back are notes for 'Prof. Valentine's Chemistry Class'. There are several sentences, but all are crossed out with the loopy script of RIKU+SORA=4EVER BABY TRU LUV WOOT.

And then underneath it: _At least I thought so._

There's a photograph under somebody's pillow; a horribly taken, off-kilter picture of Sora and Riku. At least half of Sora's body isn't inside of the frame, but you can see his smile stretching across his face. The smiles and the eyes take up most of his face, only leaving the spiked hair left to show. To the side is Riku, his arm slung around the smaller boy's shoulders and leaning into the camera. The majority of photograph is filled with Riku's grinning mug.

On the back, it says in cramped writing: _You wish you were this cool._

Oddly enough, the photograph is torn in half.

* * *

_"Things just happen sometimes, you know? There doesn't necessarily have to be something that ignites it…I mean, things can be fine, and then BANG! Everything explodes and you're trying to fit together pieces that can't connect."_

**–Axel**

* * *

He probably wouldn't have noticed if he hadn't rolled over exactly at 6: 35 PM. Had there been just one more minute, twenty more seconds in his awakening, everything would've been fine. But as things were, Roxas twisted in his sleep and snapped open his eyes, bright as buttons, to say "Good morn—"

It would've been "Good morning, Riku", but you see, there was no Riku. No lazy-eyed boy with argentine hair wrapped up in the duvet beside him. No rustling sheets as he flipped over to plant that good-morning-I-love-you kiss on Roxas's forehead.

There was air. And stillness.

(And an odd sense of dread, but Roxas would never admit it.)

Slowly, the blonde eased himself off of the mattress and creaked across the floor, bare feet dancing across the floorboards. He tip-toed towards the door to the closet, held oh so casually ajar.

And there was Riku, crying over photographs. A saccharine, hazy smell clouding the are, filling Roxas's nostrils with the unpleasant odor.

Dozens and dozens and dozens of pictures, strewn across the floor, it was impossible how many there were—god, where he keep it all?

Tapes playing in old-fashioned recorders.

_"I'm sticking with you…'cause I'm made out of glue."_

Riku turned his eyes to Roxas; pretty eyes, pretty in a cheap way. They shone like dull gem stones in trash heaps as the boy turned to the blonde. They were rimmed red, and blood-shot, and why wasn't he turning around, why wasn't he blinking, and—

(don't look at me with those eyes, please for the love of whatever you believe in, don't look at me like that, when you do that I just don't what to do, I can't save you, please don't do this to me---)

_"So, you're hanging from a tree…and I made believe it was me."_

Riku, on the floor, messy-haired and of a swollen face, staring up at Roxas. He blinked once, and they remained vacant. Smoke curled out his mouth like a dragon, and he croaked, " Hey, baby, where've you been?"

Roxas's lips thinned.

"Get out."

* * *

_"Of course, we all wanted to know. We're nosy people, alright? And it just didn't make any sense. They were doing great before, and then they just stopped everything. And it's not like they talked about it—Roxas could've doubled a mime, he was so silent. And Riku…god, it was like Sora had died all over again."_

**-Selphie**

* * *

"SMOKING FUCKING WEED IN THE DAMN CLOSET, WHAT THE HELL'S WRONG WITH YOU—"

Riku tipped his head to the side, surveyed the irate blonde without much interest. This couldn't be Sora; it wasn't feasible by any concept known to man…and yet, it appeared to be him. Same sun-kissed skin, same large blue eyes and even teeth. Same tone of voice, same bony hips and fingers and the slight edge between their eyebrows when they raised their voices, and—

"GOD ALMIGHTY WHAT'S WRONG WITH YOU RIKU WHY ARE YOU HIDING WHY ARE YOU STILL HIDING FROM SORA FOR GOD'S SAKE HE'S DEAD GET OVER IT—"

Riku covered his ears. _Don't say that._

"GET USED TO IT I LOVED YOU RIKU BUT I SWEAR YOU JUST MAKE ME SO—"

_He isn't dead if I don't want him to be._

"I DON'T KNOW WHAT TO DO WITH YOU ANYMORE SO WHY DON'T YOU JUST LEAVE ALREADY GET OUT OF MY SIGHT I DON'T EVER WANT TO SEE YOU AGAIN JUST LEAVE—"

_But he won't leave my mind, and what am I supposed to do? If I let him go, I forget. Don't ask me to leave him behind, please; I've already done that before. And it _hurts_; you wouldn't believe how bad it hurts._

"GET OUT GET OUT GET OUT GET OUT—"

Riku raised his eyes to the ceiling and squeaked through his haze, "But baby, I love you."

Roxas sucked in his breath, and the sound echoed sharply off of the wall's edges. "Don't say that," he sibilated, "if it's not for me, then I don't want to hear it."

"Sora, baby, can't we just---?"

"BUT I'M NOT SORA." Roxas screeched. "I can't be him, Riku! I tried, but I just can't do it!"

* * *

_"It was just like a car crash, but it was weird, yanno? Like it was planned or something. A planned, organized car crash…now that's something to fear."_

**—Demyx**

* * *

Riku's eyes rolled in their sockets, and he grasped Roxas's arm, drawing him downwards. "Just—just wait a second, I can—it's not my—"

"No one's blaming you, Riku, but for the love of god, can you just get it together? There's no Sora for you to hurt and you're clearly out of it so I guess you can't hurt yourself either, but—me, Riku, you're hurting me."

_But I never meant to hurt you._

"It's not always about you."

_I just wanted…_

"It's not even about me. It's about this, thing...thing we have, or don't have. Don't look at me like that, you know you're always asking-- "

_To have another chance? You've gotta give me a second shot at this, it's not fair otherwise. C'mon, you've gotta be fair. You know that._

"It's about what we have, Riku, this…whatever you want to call it. Do you want it or not?"

_I just wanted to you to shield me. Hide me. Save me. Don't make me look, don't make me face what I've done, what I'm responsible for._

"It's all up to you."

**_PROTECT ME FROM WHAT I WANT._**

Fading footsteps, cracking vocal chords, shaking hands.

Dry eyes.

"God, I'm so tired of this."

* * *

_"It sounds corny, but it was like the storm was just building. Like, it seems fine and dandy on the outside, but it couldn't stay that way forever. With Riku being himself and Roxas being, well, Roxas…it wasn't going to last. Not the way it was. Never the way it was."_

**--Tidus**

* * *

For a long time, Riku stood in the center of the room, the effects of his high wearing off and the tape beginning to skip. He picked it up, weighing it in his palm. On the white stripe on the side, it said "Riku listens to crap music but Sora hearts him anyways".

Riku threw it at the wall, and it shattered.

Boxes of Sora memorabilia met their death against the wall and the windows, causing them to break almost instantly. He threw objects out of the windows, burned the photographs over the stove.

The picture frame advertising their first anniversary.

Broken.

Sora's favorite sunglasses.

Broken.

Sora's handkerchief.

Burned.

Screams tore themselves from Riku's throat, winded around the hall, and down the corner. On the floor beneath him, Demyx paused in his playing and threw his guitar on his bed, taking the stairs two at a time.

---

"So, I'm guessing that you and Ri are having a bit of trouble?" Axel inquired, fiddling with a sugar packet. He dumped it into his coffee, blew on it, and raised an eyebrow at Roxas.

"Maybe." The blonde said noncommittally, viciously stabbing at his Belgium Waffle. He dumped strawberry syrup on it and stared blankly at Axel, mutilating it severely.

The redhead felt a bit sick. "Er. Alright then?"

"No, Axel, no. It's not alright." Roxas snarled, upending his hot chocolate. The liquid weaseled its way from the mug and onto the murdered waffle. _Ew_, thought Axel, looking away from the breakfast and meeting the blonde's furious eyes. "It never was alright to begin with." He scowled, holding his head up with his palms. "It's just…so stupid, you know? I'd probably do anything for him, but he's so selfish. It's Sora this, Sora that, and I can't take it anymore! I can't **be** Sora. I'm _**me**_!"

---

Riku paused in his grandiose destruction of the apartment, the lighter uncapped and ready to set any belonging formerly of Sora's possession ablaze. "What do you want?" he asked Demyx shortly. He snatched up a ticket stub that Sora had used last year when they went to go see _Little Miss Sunshine_ and shoved it into the flame, watching it with narrowed eyes.

"Jesus, Riku." Demyx whispered. "Gawd. What is this? Is this all you?"

Riku didn't look away from the burning stub. "No. It's all Sora."

Demyx sputters an indignant, "What?" before reaching across the length of Riku's chest and snatching the lighter from his grip. Breathing heavily, he shoved it into the pocket of his pants and, for the first time, takes a glance at the chaos that is Riku's apartment.

Books were flung everywhere, their spines collapsing and sliding to the left. Crinkled cellophane, ashes and melting film, ticket stubs, and cracked picture frames. Ripped pieces of notebook paper and sliced-in-half CDs entitled **_"SORA'S AWESOME MUSIC"._** Lyric jackets and shredded sweaters.

A pamphlet, half crumpled and mostly burned, but Demyx could still (just barely) make out: _'In memory of Sora Abe—son, friend, student. Born 1989, died 2005'._

**_Shit._**

"Riku, man." Demyx stammered, shoving the pamphlet into the corner with the toe of his All Stars. "Dude. This is over-kill. Where's Rox?"

Riku chose to ignore the comment of his (ex?) boyfriend's whereabouts, and selected several papers from the pile on the floor—love notes, train schedules, all of it---into the paper shredder by the wall.

"Riku, c'mon, this is stupid. I know you're still hurting, but you can't just fly off the handle like this. What about Roxas? How do you think Roxas feels?"

--

_"...I feel sick, I feel disgusted with this. This is fucking sick, Axel, and it's just wrong. I shouldn't have to pretend to be my deceased cousin to make someone happy. He says 'I love you' to Sora, not me."_

--

"What about me," Riku mumbled, grinding Sora's class-ring under his foot. "How do I feel?"

Demyx scowled, and threw his hands up in the air with frustration. "God, Riku! It's not always about you!"

There was a pause---Riku's eyes narrowed, and Demyx looked down at the floor as if he expected the floorboards to rewind back time and bury the sentence beneath its wood.

Riku took a step forward, arms raised, but there was no blows, but a yelp of, "You don't understand! None of you do! None of you get it!" He seized Demyx by the upper arm, bellowing in his face, "YOU DON'T KNOW WHAT IT'S LIKE!"

--

_"And god, no one get's it, do they? Me and Riku. Riku and me. Oh, excuse me, me and Riku and Sora. Probably the sicket love triangle in the world. We should get a prize for such a twisted relationship."_

--

"What's _what_ like, Riku? You're not making any sense."

Riku laughed--or rather, he let loose an insane chuckle of sorts that caused the hair to stand up on the back of Demyx's neck. "Sense. I wish **_this_** made sense. I wish...sometimes I wish..."

--

_"It's horrible, really, but sometimes I can't help but wish that..."_

_--_

"I really wish---it's bad, you'll hate me for it, but I just sometimes wish that---"

--

**_"He could've died in Sora's place."_**

--

"Ri, c'mon, you know that's not true. You like Roxas. Roxas likes you. All you've got to do is apologize for upsetting him, and--" Muffled words falling on deaf ears, up until _"admit that Sora's gone",_ and Riku was up, up and shrieking and trembling with emotions that didn't even have names yet.

"He's gone, Riku, he's gone, and it'll be better for everyone when you finally have the courage to admit it."

_He'sgonehe'sgone_he'sgone_, and there isn't anything you can do or say to bring him back, to turn back time, to do anything._

Riku uttered a shrill scream, snatching at handfuls of his hair and tugging against the roots. "You say Sora's gone, but he isn't! He's there, Demyx, and don't you dare look at me like I'm crazy. He's inside this damned apartment, and in Roxas's smile, and—and—and---" He shoved his wrist into the blonde bassist's face, displaying the veins circling under the pale skin. "My _skin_, Demyx! He is fucking _corroding_ under my skin **_and he's burning me up_**!"

* * *


	5. Chapter 5

Euthanasia 

**Disclaimer:** I don't own it, but that much is obvious. SquareEnix, you have my undying respect.

**Dedication:** Ammy, who pwns at many things that I'm not even capable of halfway accomplishing.

**Summary:** Riku wants nothing more than to remember Sora forever. So, it should be perfectly fine to use Roxas, who is (and isn't) a copy of Sora.

**Pairings:** RikuRoku. TidusSelphie

**A/N:** Yanno what? I'll hold it all in until you've read it all.

* * *

**V. Dies Irae**

_Lost and useless,_

_No more bruises_

_I'll burn this place down_

_Don't make no sound._

-Marianas Trench, "September"

* * *

_"Riku? C'mon, man. This isn't funny. Riku?"_

_"What's going on—oh, shi—Demyx, what the--?"_

_"I don't know; he was just flipping out and stuff, kept saying that he could feel Sora!"_

_"Well, you can believe this; I'd like Riku to 'feel' his way to my fist! God. What's his damage? He's not the only one who was hurt by this. Roxas is hurting too, yanno?"_

_"Tidus, c'mon, can't you just—"_

_"I'm done making allowances, Dem, I'm done. Serves him right if he dies."_

_"Don't you dare…don't you dare say something like that…"_

_"Well, I—"_

_"How could you? You're te-terrible. You…"_

_"Sorry, sorry, I just—"_

_"You think it's okay to just give up on him? Like he's some problem kid that we can't be bothered with?"_

--

Wednesdays were not meant to be cheerful days.

On these days, the entirety of the world seemed to fold inside itself, melting everything into an undesirable mess of facts. On such days, the professors seemed to assign more homework than usual—as if they needed to pile on more assignments to make sure that they could pass over the ordeal of weekend homework.

This was the day that Riku slaved away at a cesspool of disease for exactly two dollars and fifty-eight cents above minimum wage. There was no such thing as a raise at this job, although it did guarantee eternal embarrassment for actually admitting to being an employee at such a business.

It was really just his luck that his friends were terribly amused with his predicament, and tried to visit whenever they could.

"Welcome to Happy Fun House, how may I help you?" Riku droned, staring blearily out of the peepholes in his costume. He yanked his large, furry tail from underneath a passing toddler's foot and mumbled a series of expletives before looking up.

"Wow, Ri. Lookin' good." Sora chirped, swatting his matted behind. He waggled his eyebrows, suggestively. "Riku-waiter? Baby, you can serve me anytime."

--

_"We should just leave. Tell the landlord. Let him sort it out; this is way beyond us."_

_"We can't—god, what are you on? There's no way we can hide this; they'd lock him up, Tidus, like some nutcase!"_

_"Ri's not exactly stable, you know?"_

_"My GOD. Just GO, okay? Get out!"_

_"Demyx, put the glass down…"_

_"Get out of here!"_

--

Some imaginable afternoon, where rain slapped itself around the windowpanes, where Riku sat outside on the front porch of a summer house of indeterminate ownership, playing his guitar. No one else had wanted to venture out into the heavy precipitation, leaving Riku on his own to try to fish out some song that was appropriate for rainy days.

_"Do you realize that you have the most beautiful face?_

_Do you realize we're floating in space?_

_Do you realize that happiness makes you cry?_

_Do you realize that everyone you know someday will die?"_

The Flaming Lips wasn't exactly what he was looking for, but it was what came to mind.

Riku struck a sour note, pulled a face, and continued his song. He cast a meaningful look at his friends, who had grouped in front of the window once they had heard the soft playing. He smiled at them, and mouthed, "Come outside." Axel reached behind him, scrawled something onto a piece of paper, and held it up to the glass. **_Shut up, you hippie._** Sora waved energetically from his dry haven, blowing kisses to a sopping wet Riku.

_"And instead of saying all your goodbyes, let them know_

_You realize that life goes fast_

_It's hard to make the good things last."_

The door creaked open, and Sora slipped through. Making a futile attempt to dry the spot next to Riku, he sat down and listened, adding in his own soft tenor, albeit being slightly off-key. _"You realize the sun doesn't go down."_ His voice cracked, and he blushed, but solidly continued. _"It's just an illusion caused by the world spinning round."_

The guitar strings stopped moving, and Riku set the instrument to the side. He put his face close to Sora's, only inches of space between them.

_"Do you realize—"_ Riku breathed, brushing Sora's cheek with his lips. _"---that you have the most beautiful face?"_

_--_

_"Paging Roxas Abe…This is, um, Tidus Honda, using Demyx's cell. Listen, man, you've gotta show up. Riku's lost it, and it's—it's, god, it's just wrong. It's scary. I know you're pissed or whatever, but this is the limit. He's not…Riku's not moving or anything, he won't say anything, it's like he just shut down. It's like, he's quiet and then he starts screaming over and over, **'GET HIM OUT GET HIM OUT GET HIM OUT'**, and goes back to being still. I don't know what to do. Demyx doesn't know what to do. We…we need you, Roxas. We can't do this alone."_

_--_

"You gonna write a song about me?" Sora asked, clambering onto a chair and watching Riku tune instruments with widened eyes. The silver haired male shrugged, pulled at a knob on his violin, and propped it under his chin. Several pieces of hair escaped the hairpins, and he heaved a great puff of air, blowing them upwards.

"Dunno. Maybe." He said lazily. The violin was abandoned in favor of the guitar, where he merely pulled back a few of the strings before letting them rest. "Depends how long you stick around."

"You mean, how long I live?" Sora said bluntly, crawling over to where his boyfriend sat. "Geez, Riku. If I die, I want a song to commemorate my memory even more. I want live concerts with 'The Ballad of Sora' playing! I want my face on t-shirts! That way, you can't forget your first booo-ooyfriend." He slapped the cover of the bed for emphasis and smiled broadly.

Riku's face was still. "Don't talk like that. You're not going to die. No one's going to die."

Sora came over to him, wrapped his arms around his middle and muttered into the soft fabric of his shirt, "That's right. No one's going anywhere."

--

_"Hey, Roxas, did you hear? Riku's in the hos—"_

_"Yeah, I know. Move. I'm late for Calculus."_

_"Whoa. Okay, stop. What the hell, man? What's with you?"_

_"I said move."_

_"Your boyfriend's in the fuckin' hospital, could you at least pretend to be concerned?"_

_"To put it frankly…I don't really give a damn."_

_"…The hell are you on?"_

_"Didn't you get any of what I explained to you? Riku Kisaragi is like a goddamn parasite. He's sucked out any part of sympathy I might've ever had for him. Good bye."_

_"Roxas, he's in the hospital."_

_"Yeah, so?"_

--

They loved each other, but that didn't mean their love was without arguments. Sora would leave the light on when he left the apartment; Riku would forget to pick him up from the veterinarian clinic. Riku wouldn't meet Sora's parents. Sora never came on time to Riku's gigs.

When they quarreled, people got hurt.

Riku sometimes liked to get high, and Sora hated him for it.

Sora liked to be intentionally vague about things, and Riku hated him for it.

"You don't understand!" they'd scream at each other, and then the doors would slam, ringing in the sudden quiet. Sora would blubber into the phone to some girl named Kairi that Riku didn't know and always felt irrationally jealous of. Riku would punch the walls; let his knuckles turn to fat plums from abusing the plaster.

Nothing ever got solved on those nights, nobody ever ventured at any apology. Just Sora, crawling into Riku's bed in the morning, rubbing his swollen eyes against the flannel of his pajamas.

--

_"Hey, Riku, how d'you feel?"_

_"Stupid question."_

_"Yeah, sorry….You look pretty messed up. Wanna talk?"_

_"Not really."_

_"O-okay."_

_"But I'm probably going to anyways."_

_"That's fine with me. If you wanna talk or...sleep or something. I'm not going anywhere."_

--

There was this one time, when Sora was working late at his veterinarian clinic; something about some hideously ugly dog that Riku had had the misfortune to meet. It was not a nice-looking dog. It was not even an evenly-tempered dog.

But somehow, this dog was preventing Sora from seeing Riku's gig.

"I'm sorry, Ri," Sora wailed into the phone as he petted the canine's fur soothingly. The dog snapped at his fingers, and Sora withdrew them, sighing. "It's just that, you know how it is. I'll be late, and by the time I get there, it won't be worth it, really…"

"It's okay." Riku said coolly, in a voice that hinted at that the situation was most definitely not okay. "I understand."

"Great. You're the best, Ri." Sora babbled, and threw a quick pecking noise to the receiver before hanging up. Riku scowled, throwing his cell phone into the back seat of his car.

--

_"Roxas, c'mon, this isn't like you. This is your boy, alright? Go see him."_

_"I don't want to."_

_"Quit being such a child."_

_"Quit forcing me into things I don't want to do."_

_"Quit—you know what? Fuck this. And fuck you too, Roxas."_

--

Sora slept awkwardly; legs outside of the sheets while his fingers clutched the remainder of the cotton up to his chin. His toes scraped the edge of the bed while they nudged Riku's feet over the ledge, pushing them away from the blankets. He took up all the space in the bed, his body half-turned away.

Riku hated the way Sora slept.

Riku would leave his shoes all over the place; sneakers spilling out of the umbrella case, sandals littering the bathroom. He didn't like the way Riku left globs of toothpaste in the sink, or the way he would leave empty boxes in the pantry.

So, if Riku hates the way Sora sleeps and if Sora hates the way Riku can't tidy himself, then really, really, didn't this mean that they couldn't stand each other?

--

_"I don't want to go. I don't want to go to some…mental hospital and see Riku stapled down to some gurney so he can't claw himself to death. So he can't –ki—go away forever. I don't want to see that, okay? I don't want to see that, ever."_

--

The hospital smelled too much like death and insanity for anyone to want to stay. And it's not like Riku was the ideal patient—he didn't say anything to anybody, just kept quiet and seething at anyone who breathed in his direction.

Demyx and Axel came every other day…or other week, depending on whether or not they felt up to feeling Riku stare two inches past their heads. Selphie sometimes came with them, sometimes not.

Tidus stopped coming after the first visit.

Roxas never came at all.

--

_"Hey, Tidus, Riku's doing better."_

_"Yeah?"_

_"Yeah?"_

_"Goody for Riku, man."_

_"Why'd you—"_

_"Look, do you understand how freaky Ri was being? He talked to the WALLS for god's sake! He kept talking to the walls, or the nurses, or-or-or-me, Dem, me. Kept saying, 'Hey, Sora, what's wrong?'. To _me_, Demyx! Do you know how awful that feels?"_

--

Technically, it wasn't a breaking-and-entering job. Technically, it wasn't illegal.

Roxas shoved open the door with his shoulder, opening up to a room with the leftover scent of marijuana, ashes, and spices. He tip-toed past the broken glass, the paper shreds, the picture frames, and over to the closet. He swept the ticket stubs out of the way with his foot. He kicked the cassettes out of the way.

"How chaotic."

Nearly buried beneath all the rubbish was a slip of paper, halfway eased out of its envelope casing. From where he was standing, Roxas could just barely see the "Dear Riku" part written in Sora's familiar chicken scratch. He bent down and tugged it upwards.

--

_Dear Riku, I'd just like to say..._

_--_

Riku lolled his head to the side, watching his fingers wiggle from the straps. His forearms were still forced to the gurney and he couldn't move around much, but he could waggle his fingers. Pathetic, really.

"Hey." He said softly. "Hey, Demyx."

The bassist jerked upwards from his slumber, chin bobbing momentarily as he assessed his whereabouts. Upon realizing that he was still in Riku's ward, he gave his friend an uncertain smile and replied, "Umm?"

"I've been thinking. About…stuff. And I'm thinking that maybe, that maybe this isn't fair. Maybe I shouldn't do this to you guys. You don't deserve this stuff."

"Uh—"

"So I was thinking, maybe, I'd like to go away." Riku smiled, and really, honestly, truly, Demyx sort of wanted to cry.

But the worst part was when he turned to Demyx and said, smiling, "Hey, would you kill me? Be a pal and help me out."

--

_...that I love you, I do love you (quite a bit) but god, you're so difficult. You're a handful, Ri. Nearly impossible. And I know I piss you off sometimes, and we fight sometimes and sometimes things just don't go right-..._

_--_

Demyx didn't take Riku's offer too well.

"Are you—are you stupid?" he breathed, backing away. "Are you—deranged? I'm not going to do that! I'd never do that! You—stupid! Idiot!" He pushed back his seat, crossing the feet over to Riku's gurney in a couple of steps. "You—you don't have the right to die!"

"I guess you could say that." Riku shrugged. "But I also don't have the right to live."

"No, you don't want to live. You're just being lazy, Riku, and-and—selfish. See, this is what I meant by selfish and stupid and, god, Riku! What about us? Me, and Axel? And Roxas?"

--

_...but I believe we can make it. We can do this together, Riku. If you could just stop being so pigheaded and stubborn all the time, this could be so easy. So, so, easy, baby, like some dingy waltz through a relationship or something, and sure, sure we have bumps and shit, but the point is we work it out! We don't hole up in corners and do nothing, you see?..._

--

"If—If you wanna d-d-die, you can do it by yourself!" Demyx bawled. He gave Riku a shrug against his gurney, snatched up his jacket and left, sending some odd sort of sobbed farewell at Riku from the hospital's corridor.

Riku rolled his eyes. There's no need to be so dramatic.

See, Riku didn't feel "depressed". Riku didn't feel "selfish". Riku wasn't being tormented by the ghost of Sora, or hearing voices like the doctors thought he was.

Riku was feeling fine.

He rolled his head to the side and called down the hallway, "Nurse? I'd like to go outside."

--

_...and it's not just about you, Riku, it's about me, too. It's about me as well, and I think that you need to realize that. My things are important too. It's not just always about you. It's not just "The Riku Show" 24/7, okay? Sometimes things concern me just as much as you..._

--

The height was dizzying.

He was balanced on the edge, arms flung out to his sides, and he felt ridiculous, he felt moronic.

But god, did it feel good.

He sucked in air to his chest, letting the wind blow his hair into his face. As he exhaled, he whispered, "Hey, Sora, can you see me now? Can you see me, from wherever you are? Can you see me, baby?"

Riku laughed, but the sound that came out so ugly that he shut up immediately.

(fight away the bad dreams, Sora! The monsters under my bed, the monster-life that I've been living till now!)

His bare toes curled over the building's ledge. It hadn't been easy, getting the nurse to release him from the crazy ward---not like he belonged there in the first place. He wasn't one of those mumbling forgetters, one of those hopeless ramblers who wasn't going to get anywhere.

Riku knew where he wanted to be.

--

_...And I still love you through all of us, honestly I do. Though I'm not too pleased with you right now, I bet you know that. I might've said I hated you, Ri, but I never could. I could never spend time with a person I hated. I do love you, Riku Kisaragi. I love you, you idiot._

--

"_And it breaks my h-h-h-heart…_Mmm-hmm? Who's this?"

"Selphie, it's Roxas. Are you busy?"

"Well, um, actually I was gonna---"

"Great. I need you to go with me somewhere…um, that hospital that Riku's in—I dunno where it is, really, so it'd be a lot better if you could just. Uh…"

"…Come with you?"

"Yeah! I mean, sure. If you want to."

"'Course I want to; I haven't seen Ri in a while! Bring flowers, okay?"

"Why do I have to?"

"Because you're apologizing, right?"

"I never said that---"

"You don't have to. I can tell."

--

There really ought to be some sort of fanfare for this. Something dramatic, something pulsing that shouted "The end!"

But when he strained his ears, there wasn't any music or…whatever. What was he expecting, anyways?

"That's so stupid." He grinned. "But it doesn't matter."

--

_Riku, baby, you make me feel so alive._

_--_

He'd thought that, maybe, it'd go by slowly. Like he would somehow be carried by the wind and magically transported onto the pavement hopefully a bit less alive than he'd started out.

Dying, he thought, was not all it was cracked up to be. It wasn't one of those flying dreams, either---the wind was too harsh; beating at his face, activating his tear ducts. And the way it was going, he was going to land head-first on the road, right in front of the hospital.

_Fuck._

He clawed frantically at the air, as if he could hoist himself up somehow and crawl back up the building. He failed, miserably, and instead alerted a few passersby to his situation.

Someone screamed, and he thought, It's not supposed to be like this.

It went too quickly. He wasn't ready, he wasn't ready, he wasn't---

It could've been a trick of the light, but he thought he saw Roxas—or someone who looked a great deal like him---appearing from around the corner, a large bouquet of tulips in his arms.

Walking towards the hospital.

Seconds before he hit the concrete, he saw Roxas's eyes widen to the size of marbles. They glistened, they shined and---

(don't you cry, angel)

"..Ri?"

(I wanted to see you. I couldn't wait, I--)

---Riku erupted on the sidewalk.

* * *

Before his vision clouded over, Riku strained every one of his senses for Sora. But he couldn't see him, couldn't hear him, couldn't be with him, and wasn't that just such a waste of time?

He wanted to cry, but he couldn't. Tears aren't much of use to a dead man.

* * *

Someone called an ambulance.

Selphie fainted.

"Oh my god!"

"He jumped! He jumped from the freaking roof!"

Sirens. Shouting. Anxiety. Fear.

His screams could be heard for miles.

* * *

There wasn't much of a body for a funeral; the filaments were torn, the scalp nearly separated from his head, clotted blood soaking and clumping through the fine hair. Riku's parents showed up and requested that the body be cremated and sent in a vase to them.

A year later, they put the vase in the basement because they couldn't "stand to look at it anymore, and be reminded of the pain we went through when we lost our only child!"

Roxas thought that was a pretty generous thought, given that they hadn't shown up at the small gathering they'd thrown together to mourn Riku's death. Not that he could talk; he'd appeared for about an hour to assure people that yes, he was alive (if not well), and no, he wasn't going to try to "follow Riku".

He didn't talk to Axel anymore, couldn't sit still in Selphie's company without wanting to squirm or scream or both. Tidus avoided him at school. Demyx always seemed to be red-eyed and weepy whenever they ran into each other.

But he still got the notice.

_Roxas,_

_This is important. Be at Seventh Heaven at 7:00 p.m. You owe it to Riku, Sora, and the band._

_And more importantly, you owe it to yourself._

_--Axel_

The band was assembled in all their finery on Seventh Heaven's stage, adjusting microphones and tuning guitars. The college students grumbled and lightly protested in front of them, muttering as to why there wasn't any music; this was a concert, right? Or at least, from where Roxas was sitting on the stairs, that's what it appeared to be.

"This is---"Axel's vocal chords creaked and broke, unaccustomed to be use. He coughed and said again, "---this is Upside Town, minus one, but yeah, not really. Riku's here." He knocked a fist on his chest. "He's here, and…this song's for him. Wherever you are, Ri, I hope the amplifiers are loud enough to reach you."

Upside Town usually tore into their songs, but this one went slow. Tidus started up with a slow, steady beat, followed by Demyx's bass, and then Axel cut in with a low, creaking voice.

Roxas stood stock-still the entire time.

**_It's a requiem._**

The amplifiers were turned up as high as it could go, and several people had backed up, hands clamped over their ears. The doors were opened and people on the street were complaining; it wouldn't have been out of line to say that you could hear the band playing for more than a couple of blocks.

Demyx trying not to cry, because then he'd miss a note and screw everything up.

Tidus's concentration on his drumming.

Axel's voice, creaking and soaring and beautiful, beautiful, beautiful.

_"I'm not afraid to die; I'm just a little bit sacred of what comes after_

_Do I get the gold chariot?_

_Do I float through the ceiling?"_

Three buildings down, someone grunted that they ought to call the police. They were immediately ordered to be quiet.

_"Do I divide and fall apart?_

_'Cause my bright is too slight_

_To hold back all my dark_

_And the ship went down in sight of land_

_And at the gates does Thomas ask to see my hands---"_

Roxas's fingers turned bone white as they clutched onto the railing. He wheezed uncomfortably, hauled himself up, and walked stiffly out of Seventh Heaven. His legs carried him up the staircase, past the emergency exit, and onto the building's roof, where he could breathe in the night air so sharply it hurt and taste every ounce of his fear on his tongue and---

"This is the last time I ever cry for you."

He curled his knees up to his chest and bawled like a toddler. Like he ached, like he was going to cease to exist if he couldn't get every bit of tears out of his system for that boy out now. He cried sloppily and messily and ended up drying a blend of tears and mucus on his sweater and probably looked like a hot mess but,

He didn't care.

He was going to cry and he was going to scream and fight and whatever else he felt like doing; mourn Riku, talk to Axel, avoid Selphie---whatever he wanted.

He was going to stay in love with Riku.

Just until this night was over.

--

**_Roxas,_**

**_Don't ever think that I didn't love you. As you, as yourself._**

**_I still think you're beautiful._**

**_-Riku_**

* * *

**EUTHANASIA: THE PLAYLIST (version 2.0)**

**Theme:** September (Marianas Trench)

Your Ex-Lover Is dead (Stars)

Take It (Staind)

**Riku:** I can Barely Breathe (Just Surrender)

The Kill (30 Seconds to Mars)

**Axel:** Compliment Each Other Like Colors (PlayRadioPlay!)

**Roxas:** Edit (Regina Spektor)

I Hear Noises (Tegan and Sara)

**Tidus:** M79 (Vampire Weekend)

Let the Drummer Kick (Citizen Cope)

**Demyx:** There's No 'I' in Team (Taking Back Sunday)

Not the Doctor (Alanis Morissette)

**Selphie:** One—Blake's Got a New Face—(Vampire Weekend)

**Riku/Sora:** Midnight in a Dream (I Left You for Summer)

This is Everything (Tegan and Sara)

**Riku/Roxas:** Elephants As Big As Whales (PlayRadioPlay!)

The District Sleeps Alone (The Postal Service)

Gotta Have You (The Weepies)

**Riku/Sora/Roxas:** Isabelle (Gregory & the Hawk)

**Riku's requiem:** Clocks (Coldplay)

Jesus Christ (Brand New)

Honestly, the only thing I can think of is to ask you to download these songs, or listen to them, or whatever. Reconstructing this playlist took up a bit of time, and the songs are used to convey the moments and whatnot. Seriously, guys...the songs are important. Listen to the music. (And review, but need I say that, after all this time?)

I'm really sorry that it's over, but I'd like to thank everyone that reviewed this story, anyone who put it on their Alerts or Favorite Stories List. Thank you so, so much.

Special thanks to my pallies (Dubious & Static) for being sweet and lovely as always.

It's be a while since this started, and it's come so far ( I think).

Thanks, guys. It's been realer than real.


End file.
